Mindful Hack #83
Happy New Year, Lovely Soul!
I hope the holiday season gave you the chance to connect with loved ones, play a little and rest a lot – an ideal recipe for ending one year and starting another.
New years often bring with them a lot of hype around making big, bold changes with “New Year’s resolutions,” as is seen by so many products and services trying to capitalize on that. While I have many times jumped on that bandwagon (with variable success), I believe that 2022 could be treated differently.
Perhaps, given all that we have endured in the last couple of years, we could go into this year with a little more softness than with the rigour of a BANG. I know I, for one, don’t have the energy for anything too bold. But I do have heart for intentions rather than resolutions. And I also believe that intentions can be set and reset, fluidly, whereas resolutions tend to leave us feeling life failures if we don’t strictly adhere.
For those wondering about the nuanced difference, here’s how I see it: an example of a common resolution is to lose 15 pounds by X date. Shifting this to an intention might be to eat, move and rest in ways that make us feel better in our body and about ourself. In the first scenario, if by X date the goal hasn’t been achieved, and/or any day there’s a skipped workout or an indulgence consumed, it can cause guilt and maybe even shame. Whereas in the second scenario, any time we make a choice that’s not aligned with our intention, we can notice and with self-compassion, start anew in this moment. In this way, we choose a more fluid process that we can adapt and work with rather than potentially setting ourselves up for failure.
If you plan to run a marathon this year – by all means train well for it and I hope you achieve your goal if that is what you want. But if for whatever reason something gets in the way – at least gift yourself with the pleasure of the journey. It’s a small shift in orientation but a kindness we all deserve this year.
New year, new month, new day… every moment is a chance to start anew. Whether we see that as pressure or possibility is all about perspective.
My warmest wishes for 2022 to you
Mindfully yours,
Adriane
Mindful Hack #82
I feel very lucky to be able to say that I had the opportunity to visit with the ocean for the first time in what seems like a very long time. As I walked along the beach, like a bit of a crazy person I spoke to it – marveling at its size, power, beauty, but mostly its stillness. It doesn’t matter what’s happening on the surface – there’s always a constant, natural life force happening in its depths.
Getting “back to the grind” is arguably the worst part of a vacation (even more so than laundry), and to say I was able to keep my stress levels at bay yesterday would be a blatant lie. And since I had relinquished control over my own better self, I was no peach to be around (thanks for being patient with me, Honey).
I awoke this morning with a start, instantly panicked about the too-many-things-to-do list reeling in my mind. Still pitch dark and an hour before the alarm would go off, I got up and decided to get right to it. I found myself longing to be looking at that ocean again, then remembered what I saw when I was able to look at it – the calm serenity beneath whatever was going on at the surface. I took a deep breath, closed my eyes and tapped into my own inner calm, bringing to mind that the things on the to-do lists are just things that will get done, somehow, and pass, just as everything does. The inner peace, however, is constant – if only I create the space to find it.
Especially with the pressures and stressors of the holiday season upon us, it’s so important that we take extra good care of ourselves. So this week, I’ll share with you what I plan on putting into practice in the coming weeks:
When things feel stormy at the surface, remember you can dive down to where it's steadier. Like the sea, there is always calm deep within.
Mindful Hack #81
I’m always struck by how hard we can be on ourselves – so much harder than we are on others. Nobody is perfect and we all know that. Everyone we care about has quirks or isms that we don’t necessarily adore 100% of the time, yet we accept them for the whole flawed package that they are. So why can’t we regard ourselves with the same benevolence?
Inevitably, we’re going to make mistakes. We’re not going to be our best all the time, we’ll use a sharper tone than we meant to and we’ll offend others knowingly or unknowingly. We’re human and that’s okay! Awareness (mindfulness) of our imperfections can be a good thing, so long as it doesn’t come with a barrage of self-berating. Rather, that awareness is an opportunity for us to reflect on the reasons we may not have shown up in the best way possible and to decide what we want to do next.
It’s also worth pointing out that contrasts are what make for rich experiences: we appreciate sunshine more when it has rained, music couldn’t be without silence between the notes and water tastes better when we’re thirsty. We all have shadow-sides and they deserve to be seen and loved just as much as our good qualities do.
Accepting all of ourselves, our darkness as well as our light, is the ultimate in self-love.
Be kind to yourself today. You deserve it ❤
Mindful Hack #80
At the end of the day, even when life and the world around us seem extremely complicated, we humans are pretty straight-forward creatures. Straight-forward in the sense of what we need to feel okay: food, shelter, and a sense of belonging. While most of us are fortunate enough not to have to worry too much about the former two, when we don’t feel connected, our whole world can feel off-kilter.
The thing we tend to forget about belonging is that first and foremost, we need to feel settled within ourselves. When we don’t, the best thing we can do is to make a little time for self-care. Sometimes just checking in to see how we’re doing can go a long way in feeling more centered, secure. Too often we’re looking outside of ourselves to feel better, and almost as often we come up short because belonging and connection start “in here,” not “out there.”
That said, of course it’s natural to want to feel closeness and affinity to others, too. We’re social beings and traditionally our survival depended on being part of a tribe. When we don’t feel that bond, we sometimes behave in ways that do the exact opposite of creating it – with agitation, aggression and even blame or contempt. The thing is, like begets like and what we put out there, we get back in spades. That means that whatever we want to get or to feel, we first need to give.
Give what you wish to receive: love, time, support, a kind word… Give and you will get even more than you wanted.
Make someone’s day today, and I’ll bet you’ll make your own in the process.
Mindful Hack #79
I’ve noticed a heightened sense of restlessness and even agitation “out there,” and I know that it’s really hard for that kind of energy not to spill over “into here.”
Distractions are everywhere and constant, and unless we make a conscious effort to reduce them, it’s quite easy to become overwhelmed. I truly believe it’s this intense age of distractions that’s at least in part causing unrest. Distractions overload our senses, which means they keep us from being optimally focused, efficient and productive. But more importantly, distractions get in the way of connection and flow – two things that are fundamentally important to our sense of wellbeing (and even happiness).
We think we’re great multi-taskers and some people even take pride in believing they can do so well. But … the data says otherwise. Studies have shown that we can’t actually do multiple (cognitive) things, simultaneously. Rather, we switch between tasks quickly and the toll it takes on our working memory is substantial. Task-switching has been show to decrease productivity by up to 40%, kills creativity, and drops the quality of all the outputs we’re switching between. Imagine what the implications are by the end of a work week. Think of the time wasted, let alone the deleterious effect on our performance, communication effectiveness and stress levels. Ugh.
There are many things we can do to decrease the number of distractions in our lives, we just have to do them. Strategies include shutting down email and text and turning off notifications for focused-thinking time, limiting the number of times you check your phone and social media feeds (do you really need everybody’s daily play by play?), scheduling meetings and calls to fall only between certain hours each day, and making a point to get up and move your body between tasks to reset. Of course, some quick mindfulness practices also help – it’s useful to check in with yourself from time to time, take a few deep breaths, drop your shoulders down, and refocus on the task at hand.
In an effort to put this advice to action in my own life, (and to accept a challenge from a teacher), I’ve decided to take this month away from IG and FB, altogether. To help my chance of success, I even turned off push notifications and deleted the apps from my phone. Yes, I could cheat, but I know I’d only be cheating myself and I’m frankly curious to see what I get back in exchange for not checking those apps several times a day. Funny, it feels vulnerable and like disconnection, but my guess is that will pass and who knows what I’ll discover. At any rate, I’m not going to challenge you to do likewise, but I will offer you this:
Reducing distractions and clutter can work wonders for presence, connection, focus, flow and wellbeing. What can you reduce today?
Wishing you focus and flow.
Mindful Hack #78
Today, I share a (humble) story that didn’t give me the lesson it was supposed to until a long while later.
Years ago, I was ranting to my coach about some gross injustice that had been done to me by someone or other, and he came back to me with this retched response:
She’s clearly pushing your buttons, but they’re your buttons. Your job is to learn to manage them.
WHAT?! The nerve! As if! How DARE he suggest that the reason I was so upset was (even in part) because of some flaw of my own!
I seethed.
Now HE was pushing my buttons. But a different set of them.
I’m quite certain I got off that call unsatisfied to say the least and riled up to put it more accurately. But here’s what I’ve learned since then – he was right. When we’re triggered, it’s usually a sign that we’ve got some sort of unresolved hurt that doesn’t likely have anything at all to do with the person that hit the nerve.
Practicing mindfulness is about consciously and non-judgementally becoming more aware, and in this case, taking it a step farther and getting curious. Not necessarily in the throes of righteous indignation (it’s far too much fun to expend a lot of energy in that space), but once the dust has settled a bit from the “blow.” Simply ask yourself, “why was that so upsetting to me? What story am I telling myself or what belief do I have that was stirred up by that situation? That I’m not respected? Not seen as important in some way?” You might be surprised at what you discover: perhaps that it wasn’t so much about what the other person said as it is about a belief you have. And now you’re empowered to question that belief and potentially lessen the trigger.
Now don’t get me wrong, sometimes things can simply be hurtful in which cases a different set of realizations to navigate the situation are helpful. Recall: hurt people hurt people. However, it’s worth taking a look at what’s going on in our minds, unconsciously, when we feel reactive. So this week I’ll reiterate something that very mean coach pointed out to me:
Others might push your buttons, but the buttons belong to you. And they can be managed.
I’m going to send a silent thanks out to that dreadful coach and to marvel at the way things can blossom years after the seed was planted. I’m also going to wish you a wonderful remainder of your week.
Mindful Hack #76
For the full mindful hack, see it on Thrive Global: https://thriveglobal.com/stories/tell-someone-you-care-about-something-you-appreciate-about-them-today/?utm_source=Newsletter_Transaction&utm_medium=Thrive&utm_campaign=Published
Mindful Hack #72
A few years ago I had a work challenge that left me feeling rather mortified. Without getting into the (wretched) details, I was in NYC and an unhappy client asked that I leave the assignment, early. Filled with feelings of shame and failure, I quickly packed my bags and headed to Laguardia to get an earlier flight home. The whole car ride there I kept replaying the tape in my head along with a narrative that was claiming things like, “you’re such an idiot” and, “you’ll never recover from this.” My mindfulness practice was nowhere to be found.
By the time I got to the airport my emotions overcame me and I broke down in tears. I didn’t bother to try to hide them, it would have been no use, so I just let them flow. As I went through security, where they can often be quite gruff, I received a kind smile from one of the guards and another said, “it will get better, Honey” as I walked through to collect my bag. I barely noticed either.
I managed to get it together awaiting the flight, but when I found my seat I slumped into it, turned my face to the window and the tears started up again. There was nobody in the middle seat but someone did take the aisle seat, a lovely young woman in a suit said to me, “do you want to talk about it? Sometimes it helps.” My embarrassment grew and I mumbled a quick “I’m okay, thanks” as I slouched down further, hand coming up to try to cover my face.
When the plane was fully boarded and the “in case of an emergency” tape was playing, a flight attendant came over and put a small bottle of water (usually reserved for business class) in the empty seat beside me. I looked up, confused, and he said, “once we’re airborne, I’ll bring you something stronger. Red or white?” I managed a small smile and I replied, “either.”
As the plane pushed back I closed my eyes and tried to focus on my breathing, knowing that I was likely making a much bigger deal of this than it was. Amazingly, I must have dozed off a bit because in what felt like moments, we were above the clouds where the sun was shining, radiantly, and there was a small bottle of wine (red), a plastic cup and a bag of almonds sitting on the tray next to me. The woman in the aisle had something in a cup of her own and raised it to me, “to sunshine above the clouds,” she smiled. I smiled back and looked outside again, marveling at the last hour or so.
I looked out the window at the blue sky and floor of fluffy white clouds, and a wave of gratitude washed over me. In the last hour or so, four random strangers, at least, had reached out with kindness – seeing and wanting to ease my pain. Wow. Now I felt overwhelmed by a totally different feeling and while the angst over the work blunder didn’t disappear altogether, I knew I’d be able to deal with it and turned my attention, instead, to the importance of kindness, humanity, and connectedness.
We don’t need to wait until we see someone’s vulnerability to be kind. We are all vulnerable from time to time and all benefit from receiving and extending kindness. So for this week’s hack I will offer you this:
Choose kindness even when there’s nothing in it for you. (But there’s always something in it for you).
Mindful Hack #71
I’ve been thinking lately about the power of words. Think of the plays that bring us to our feet, poetry that moves us to tears, literature we can escape in, and articles that can inform (and sometimes enrage) us. Yet all too often, we string a bunch of words together, mindlessnessly, to express whatever happens to be going through our heads in any given moment. Speaking, without thinking, can cause misunderstanding, confusion and even pain.
Buddha suggested we ask ourselves three things before we speak: Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary? And if the answer is “no” to any of them, don’t say it. Imagine what it might be like to put that into practice, the impact that could have on our relationships and even the way we feel about ourselves (after all, the constant narrative in our minds rarely meet that criteria).
Words can create and they can destroy. Choose yours mindfully.
Mindful Hack #67
As much as I like to believe that most people are fundamentally good, it can’t be denied that sometimes even “good” people do bad things. I also tend to believe that when people behave badly, it’s because they don’t love, respect or trust themselves in some way, and their behaviour projects that out into the world. Unfortunately, that means that innocent bystanders can get hurt.
When we feel hurt by something someone else does, says, doesn’t do or doesn’t say, it’s easy to start to question what it is that we’ve done to deserve it, what’s wrong with us. But the truth is, very rarely does someone else’s behaviour have anything to do with us. If someone lies, deceives or betrays it’s a reflection of their character, not yours, and an opportunity to honour yourself in the way you deserve.
What I mean by honour yourself is – recognize your worth, your values, and create boundaries that feel loving to and for you, not the other person. When you love yourself enough to know what you are okay with and what you aren’t, the right people will gravitate toward you and the wrong ones will weed themselves out. I’m not saying there are “wrong people,” in general… but perhaps just wrong for you, and that’s okay.
Mindful Hack #66
For the full hack, go to Thrive Global at:
https://thriveglobal.com/stories/if-we-do-or-say-something-that-hurts-someone-the-right-thing-to-do-is-to-own-it-and-apologize/?utm_source=Newsletter_Transaction&utm_medium=Thrive&utm_campaign=Published
Mindful Hack #65
I just returned to reality from the pleasure of spending a few days in the mountains. I had almost forgotten how grounding spending time in nature can be, and relished the slower pace of some downtime. I was struck by how much more I noticed about my surroundings, and the unfolding of events during this short reprieve. I was reminded of how important it is to take pause every now and then in order to really be present to the life unfolding around me. It’s so much easier to show up your best self when you give yourself the space to do that.
We met up with some friends for a round of golf, something my girlfriend and I are still learning while the boys are mastering. It would be so easy to get frustrated and impatient with the process, and I was so inspired by how mindfully my girlfriend played. A couple of times, she was displeased with her swing, but instead of throwing the club into the air or muttering profanities (which I’ve been tempted to do more than once), she stepped back from the ball, looked around at the scenery surrounding us, took a breath then stepped forward again. Each time she did this, she connected beautifully. She’s my new golf guru and when I followed suit, I had the same experience (most of the time 😉).
Taking a moment to become present to whatever we’re about to do doesn’t take a lot of time or effort, it’s just about remembering to do it. So this week, I’ll offer you this:
Use a pause to your advantage. Waiting a beat before you respond, make a decision or swing a golf club, can make all the difference.
Mindful Hack #64
How often have you had a conversation with a friend or a colleague who knows they need to make a change to improve their life, but they seem to stay stuck in whatever limiting rut they’re in? And how many times have you, yourself, known you could make one or two different choices to better something, but again, keep falling into the same unhealthy or unhappy pattern?
Perhaps it’s because there is an emerging longing to do things differently in a “new normal,” post-pandemic, but I’m struck lately by the realization that we really are our own worst enemies and/or our own greatest advocates. There is no change that’s going to happen without a commitment by us, through us and for us. We are smart to look for help and direction when we feel we need it, but at the end of the day, it’s on us to make a difference. I’ve seen so many people who want to see a shift and know they could benefit from a few small changes, but for whatever reason get in their own way. And holding up a mirror, I can admit that there have been many techniques I’ve learned that, without actually implementing them, are about as useful as tools collecting dust in a shed.
Simply put: We can’t help others who don’t want help or aren’t willing to be accountable to themselves. And the same goes for us and ourselves.
How does mindfulness play into this? Two ways: firstly, if you are supporting someone who’s trying to make a change, remember that it’s not about you if they don’t follow through, this is their journey; and secondly, if you are trying to make a change for yourself – tap into the why you want it and how you will feel when you get there – and be compassionate with yourself if you blunder along the way. We are all works in progress and the journey is arguably even more interesting than the destination.
Mindfully yours,
Adriane